Radical Kindness

I recently read the words “radical kindness” in a New York Times column David Brooks wrote on the film about Fred Rogers, “Won’t You Be My Neighbor.” 
Fred Rogers and the Loveliness of the Little Good

I thought, if ever there was a time for radical kindness, it is now. So many things in the world are in flux. Political issues have become so toxic and polarized. It’s easy to lapse into cynicism and despair. Radical kindness may be just the antidote we’ve been looking for. I hope we would all agree that the world would benefit from more kindness.

Intrigued by the radical kindness concept, I googled it. There was surprisingly little written about it. 

We all have a pretty good idea what kindness means. But what is radical kindness? The word “radical” denotes drastic change. It’s radical because we don't expect it.

Radical kindness involves intentionally treating everyone—everyone—with kindness, regardless of how they have treated us. It’s easy to be kind to people we care about or who have been kind to us. That’s all well and good, but it’s not radical kindness. The radical kind entails going out of our way to say or do something thoughtful or gracious irrespective of how that person has treated us.

If you’ve ever tried to be nice to someone who hasn’t been nice to you, you know how challenging it can be. 

 For example, say you're at the coffee shop and order an expensive, fancy coffee. When you start to drink it you realize the barista hasn’t prepared it correctly, has made it with caffeine when it should have been decaf, or used the wrong flavored syrup. Having spent $5 for it, you decide to go back and complain about it, which you do politely and ask for a new drink. 

But the barista gets all snippy on you, arguing that it was your mistake, not hers, when you’re quite certain you ordered it correctly.

What happens next? It's tempting get all snippy right back, getting in her face, indignantly arguing that it was her mistake, or to insist on talking to the manager. 

Or you could pause mindfully, take a deep breath, and try to look at it from her perspective. You could be very apologetic and say, “I’m so sorry. I’m pretty sure I ordered it decaf. It must be stressful having so many orders come in so quickly. Can I treat you to a coffee?” It takes courage to do this.

It might or might not get you a free replacement or get the barista to change her approach, but you’re bound to feel good about how you handled it, about your generosity of spirit. After all, it’s only a cup of coffee. 

Because here’s the thing: What goes around comes around. When we’re nice to someone else, especially someone who doesn't necessarily earn our kind behavior, we feel good about ourselves.

Here are some suggestions for how you can incorporate radical kindness in your life:

Radical Kindness Strategies 

See also this website: 7 Secrets to Radical Kindness

Gratitude – I’ve written elsewhere on my blog about the power of active gratitude. Kindness and gratitude are best friends. A grateful person who appreciates life’s blessings finds it easy to be generous and kind to others. Cultivate gratitude, and kindness will come naturally.

Volunteering – helping others can be a form of radical kindness. See my related post on the considerable benefits of volunteering.

Self-kindness – too many of us, especially women, are really hard on ourselves. It's so easy to beat ourselves up when we make a mistake or don't reach a coveted goal. I know I can be my toughest critic.

Be compassionate to yourself as well as others. Treat yourself the way you would hope a close friend would treat you. The two things I have found most helpful here are mindfulness and sharing with a trusted friend or partner. 

When you’re feeling crappy about something, try stepping back, pausing, and taking a couple of mindful inhalations. Follow this with a few positive affirmations, such as:

·     You’ve got this

·     It’s all going to be okay

·     This too shall pass

·     You're okay

GET RADICAL. BE KIND.